Developing and strengthening my emotional intelligence throughout my adult years has saved me from making grave mistakes that would have cost me precious relationships. The concepts of Emotional Intelligence have been significant to me for many years, and as I now embark on this new life as a happy retiree, I can tell you it is greatly enhancing this very important life stage as well. It is well worth your checking how it can enhance your life, too!
Building your self-awareness and a keener understanding of your perceptions of others around you, will significantly improve the quality of your relationships.
These concepts become clearer for most of us as we grow and develop interpersonally, but we don’t all do it in the same life stages. Unfortunately, some of us will live an entire lifetime not having had the benefit of this understanding, simply because we won’t take the time.
I believe we would all live in better harmony if we just took a moment to imagine what it might be like to stand in the shoes of others, without judgment or unfair assumptions.
Before defining the main concepts of Emotional Intelligence, I’d like to briefly share how these concepts influenced the necessary changes in my life, and why it is a critical component in my life-coaching processes:
Having experienced my share of bitter childhood lessons, led me to search for ways to navigate the world with greater clarity. Too many less-than-nurturing experiences had me living in a super somber mood. By the time I reached my 20th birthday, I felt like I was stifling in disappointments. They took over my mindset for years to come. I had to find a way to bring some relief to my fretful self. Patch-up remedies just turned me into a mixed bag of misguided pride and uncertainty about my true worth.
I was desperate to find something positive to strive for. It had to be something that would supersede all the events and people who made me feel so devalued and unappreciated.
I had been so careful to be an earnest learner. My family and my Caribbean-Latin environment valued scholastic achievement. Realizing my own abilities and eager for validation, I focused on securing those type recognitions. Well, it worked in my academic environments for some years, until again, a major change in my environment and circumstances, knocked me right off that scholastic pedestal.
This added to my feelings of low self-worth. I resorted to second guessing my achievements and would quickly embrace any opportunity for self-deprecation, afraid that others might ‘call me out’. So, I got ahead of them by apologizing for not meeting their expectations. But what was there to ‘call out’ in the first place? To me, everything circled back to those bad experiences growing up; I was stuck in the misinterpretations of myself versus others.
So how was I going to get out of my own way and find the life that I wanted to live?
Like most, I embarked on the typical search of self and career, back in college. I chose a career in counseling, which later evolved into college program administration, teaching, and mentorship.
It was during this evolution that I discovered the very empowering concepts of Emotional Intelligence (E.I.), rather than mere scholastic performance.
Building a more intentional self-awareness and a keener understanding of our perceptions of others around us, can significantly improve the quality of our relationships.
These concepts become clearer for most of us as we grow and develop interpersonally, but we don’t all do it in the same life stages. Unfortunately, some live an entire lifetime not having had the benefit of this understanding.
I believe we would all live in better harmony if we just took a moment to imagine what it might be like to stand in the shoes of others, without judgment or unfair assumptions.
Psychologists Peter Salavoy and John Mayer offered initial studies on these concepts. Later, psychologist Daniel Golemanfurther analyzed the principles of Emotional Intelligence, and his findings are that E.I. can be better understood by considering five main conditions that help us to understand ourselves, and enhance our interactions with others:
1. Self-Awareness
2. Self-regulation.
3. Empathy.
4. Motivation.
5. Social skills/Social awareness.
I’ll share with you, the components that I’ve found to be significant variables in the way that I have, and you may be moving forward in becoming retirement ready.
Self-Awareness
Consider the following conditions: Are you aware of the ways you address different circumstances that present themselves in your life? Do you recognize certain relational dynamics as they are unfolding around you?
Are you then able to seamlessly determine the way that you want to respond to those situations, good or bad? Or do you feel like you’re often surprised by the events that unfold with the people that you’re interacting with? If so, do you then become unnerved, upset, or offended when someone interacts with you in a way that you don’t approve of?
If the answer to any of these questions is “I’m not sure”, I think you will benefit from doing a bit of EI management.
Many of us subconsciously think that all things happening around us are connected to us. Like the solar system, to the sun. We don’t generally acknowledge this because such a thing makes us appear narcissistic.
In fact, most times these things that we’re worrying about doing to affect others, aren’t anything they’re noticing, much less concerned about.
Making clear determinations in advance about the way that you want to present yourself in certain crucial situations, will ensure that you’re behaving in ways you won’t have to regret the next day.
This doesn’t mean that others on the hand, won’t do offensive things. The best recourse still is to be fully aware of the way that we’re reacting and responding to the situation at hand.
Self-Regulation
I’ve found that an effective way to eliminate or minimize the effects of past unpleasant events and painful mistakes, is to examine them each carefully. This form of self-regulation is most effective when you’re not feeling particularly emotional. You can then determine for yourself, which events are better learned from, and not repeated!
Life up to our middle-years is a time to try out and evaluate many options presented to us. By the time you’ve reached midlife (somewhere around forty-five years old?) is the perfect time to ask yourself how you really, want to live your future years.
Be very specific about what you envisioned and still want, moving into your retirement years. This will reduce any chances for you to be disappointed and lacking important components for a comfortable and happy retirement.
Do you want to focus on designing an uncluttered, remodeled, and enjoyable home life, or do you prefer to focus on travelling to the exotic places you’ve always dreamed of? And again, if any of dream options are going to be successfully manifested in the company of your other significant humans, you’ll want to do your due part, by strengthening this aspect of your E.I.
Empathy
How can you best apply empathy when trying to understand the needs of important persons in your home, your village, and life holistically? Where are you headed emotionally, spiritually, and psychologically?
To ensure it is properly given to us, we must learn how to show empathy to others the way they need it. Trust me, if you haven’t had the opportunity to observe someone’s life unfold longitudinally, (even a family member) you may be missing how crucial it is to understand the emotional, spiritual and psychological changes that must be managed to sustain your desired level of contentment with life.
So, other than just saying, “Oh, I empathize with you!”, how exactly is empathy shown to others?
Imagine that you’ve had a brief conversation with a loved one in which they made statements to you that were swift and felt as if they had no consideration for your feelings. After all, you were offering to help them in their apparent moment of need. You are now, surprised at their reaction and standoffish behavior toward you. Completely indignant, you’re thinking to yourself, “Well, that’s the last time I’ll offer my help!”
There could possibly be some information that you’re not aware of. The ‘offender’ could have had an unpleasant situation prior to your conversation, and this does not justify their off-putting behavior, but it would certainly clarify for you that you did nothing to cause it.
Because we already know how easy it is to experience these types of crossed communications, it’s always healthier for you to lean in, a little bit at a time like this by checking in with this person: (e.g., “You don’t seem like your usual self, are you okay?”), instead of running in the opposite direction. Most times, after being approached the offender will recognize their mistake, and if not yet offering an apology, will at least explain their circumstances. Now, you can better determine which way you should respond to this person and their present behavior. Whatever you do, don’t automatically assume it was truly meant for you, or that they felt you deserved it!
Motivation
Let’s look at four important components that psychologist Daniel Goleman has examined as they relate to your motivation:
a. Your ability to commit to your goals
b. Your drive to achieve your dreams
c. How optimistic are you that you can reach this goal?
d. Is that initiative, to find the ways…really in you???
Shannon (not real name) longed for certain improvements in her life. She fantasized about it constantly and imagined herself experiencing every aspect of it – she easily spent hours of her day plugging herself into these imagined scenarios, that in some way represented what she wanted to bring to fruition sometime soon. Shannon often shared her imaginary future life with close friends and family. In our discussions I occasionally noticed Shannon referring to certain imagined situations as if they were part of her real life. When I pointed this out to her, she would quickly defend it by saying, “no, really, this is in the works!” That is, until one of her best friends announced that she was indeed embarking on a venture that sounded like a complete chapter out of Shannon’s storybook.
What happened to make Shannon’s dream someone else’s reality?
The same thing that often happens to people who may have great imaginations but are gravely lacking in initiative.
Initially, Shannon couldn’t get started – she wasn’t committed to act on her decision to set up an “emergency” fund that would make her dream a reality. Such a broad goal didn’t have any specific meaning to her.
When Shannon finally came to me to express her frustration with her struggles applying the goal achievement formula to her dream goal, I realized that inner motivation was the piece she’d been missing all along. She was lacking a specific goal that would get her excited and provide the drive to act on this opportunity for achievement, instead of her aimless daily dreaming! I learned from our discussions that Shannon was longing for a new home that could offer several features her current living space would never provide for her.
The vision of her living in a home where she and her family could one day enjoy time together in a personally designated and designed family room provided the impetus she needed to tackle that “emergency” fund (which was more specifically, a home improvement fund!)
Now, which one sounds more exciting to you, an emergency fund, or a home improvement fund?
Naming it as you’re most likely to claim it, is critical!!!
Once these mindset changes were made, Shannon’s motivation shot through the roof, and she began to find numerous sources to save the deposit that got her and her family in that dream home, just a year later!
Having gained a clear understanding of her purpose for the work she was doing lasted the entire year, and what’s even greater; Shannon and her loved ones then continued to save after moving into the new home. Her motivation kept evolving and she kept achieving new levels beyond her original dream. With final success, Shannon now believed in the process, and reached a new level of motivation, readiness to act, and overall emotional intelligence!
Social Skills or Social Awareness
I often address ways to strengthen social awareness by reminding those I work with to practice introspection and prediction before settling into their mode of interaction with colleagues, family, and friends.
Once you have taken the time to examine your typical behaviors around a group of people, you will notice interesting patterns.
By the way, keep in mind that others are on the outside, looking in at you! They may be more aware of your patterns than you are yourself, if you haven’t engaged in this exercise of self-study and self-understanding.
v Doing this effectively will require a little bit of patience on your part. One of the easiest ways to increase your levels of social awareness is to engage in mindfulness. I offer a coaching program that will effectively get you to a place where you will gain clarity about who you are and exactly who you want to become.
v That exercise is always available to you, and you can now follow a process that is designed particularly for your current needs. They can also be designed to get you living your ideal and very fulfilled life in retirement and beyond!
v Once you’ve examined and discovered the aspects of emotional intelligence that you need to enhance and manage, you’ll understand that a formula that is tailored for you, will unlock a brighter future for you.
Moving forward, this is a life where it is evident to you and others, that you’ve transitioned into a healthier and happier you.
You should want this fulfilling journey and arrival for yourself!
Contact me coach me, Coach Mandy S. so that I can get you on your way to self-discovery. Then, you can go live your totally fulfilling retirement life!
Coach Mandy S.
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