We all understand that as we grow up, we explore a great variety of new things. The glorious time of discovery starts sometime around 18 years old or a bit thereafter. It’s the first time we have full freedom to do so, on our own. We discard some ‘old things’, old beliefs, and practices that we’ve learned in our childhood environments. Then, we’re off to further exploration and begin to adopt the customs and practices of our new and developing culture.
But somehow, as we return to revisit old familiar places it can shake us to our core to discover that old familiar places, just like us, are no longer the same. Such experiences can cause us to yearn for what used to be. Funny, how the very things we vowed to get far away from, become the things that we miss and believe to want the most.
Apply the above principle, to your familial ties. In this conversation, apply it to your brothers, and sisters. In the same way, these immediate family members, who used to enjoy the same things you did and share the same beliefs that you did, have evolved, and changed.
Adele (not real identity) looked at me in tears. She was inconsolable, and at that time, very much at the beginning of my counseling career, I almost didn’t know what to do or say, to get her to feel better. But I told myself, “Just listen to her – just do that, you’ll know what naturally comes after…”. Adele explained that she and her family moved to Connecticut from Puerto Rico, when she was just eight years old. Her parents, she, her six-year-old twin sisters, and her four-year old brother, migrated with very little to their names. “But we felt rich because we had one another, and my dad was very resourceful and hardworking”.
With four young children to care for, Adele’s mother could not work. Adele continued to share how close she and her siblings were, growing up in the U.S.: learning English and a new culture was a collaborative effort. School was very difficult the first two years, and they supported each other in any areas - academic or otherwise, that either may struggle the most. They thankfully adjusted, and completed their schooling with the hard work and support of both parents; Adele being the first to move away to attend college in a different part of the state. Her twin sisters attended college locally, and her little brother chose to stay in town and work alongside his father. As adults, like their individual trajectories, their relationship gradually changed. By sophomore year, Adele’s twin sisters didn’t care much to hear her warnings about things to safeguard against in college. Her little brother felt prepared for adult life as he followed in his dad’s professional footsteps. Adele’s mother loved her, but she was a woman of few words, and regardless of the situation brought to her she generally responded: “as long as you’re well ‘mi hija’, I’m happy” The more she grew, the more
Adele felt really misunderstood by her parents, and neglected by her younger siblings. I can almost remember her words verbatim: Miss Thompson, I just thought we would always be as close as we were when we were kids. They act as if I don’t exist sometimes!” Adele struggled so much emotionally that she returned to her parent’s home before completing her degree. Six months later she was encouraged to give education one last try. It was then, in the Career Counseling department of the university, that I met Adele. After a year of much hard work and encouragement Adele came to terms with the fact that her family was progressing in their new environment and culture, but the relationship that she had with her siblings as children, was not going to be the same as adults. A few years later as life would have it Adele caught up with me, now working as a counselor at another institution. She had recently completed her bachelor’s degree and was encouraged by her brand-new employer to complete a couple of Spanish-grammar courses to strengthen her ability to advocate for her Spanish speaking Hispanic clients. I asked Adele how life was treating her, and her family. She seemed much happier this time around, and more understanding of the changes that had transpired between her and her siblings.
Adele recognized that she and her siblings were now a product of all the unique experiences they each had along the way to development, cultural assimilations, and adulthood.
Today’s societies are comprised of a variety of family structures. You may have been raised in a family of two parents, one parent, or a blended family of two previous unions, and the variations on those themes go on! The structure under which you were raised could be a considerable factor in the way you will develop within it, and later out of it, as an adult. Studies have shown that your family structure as a child can determine how you’re forming relationships as an adult.
The National Institutes of Health have conducted studies that reveal the effects that our first families could have on the way that we manage our adult relationships. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2947371/
Does initial family structure automatically determine who you are and how you interact with others?
This is not to say that you would live a troubled or less than desirable life if you weren’t raised by a family comprised of what society has called the traditional family: two biological parents and their offspring. In fact, observing and being a product of the many transitions made in the family units of the United States, it is clear many norms have rapidly changed through the 20th and the 21st centuries. There are as many variations on this family structure theme today, as you can imagine- such as:
Blended families in which you were raised by one biological and one stepparent
Two same sex parents’ family unit
Single parent family unit
Foster parents’ family unit
Adoptive parents’ family unit
Too many to mention all here, many others, are likely to have an effect on one’s perspective of life and perhaps even on the adult’s idea of what is possible for their own family formations.
Any of these family backgrounds can influence your perspective of what an acceptable family structure would be in your midst. All of these and others can consequently, also affect the way in which you choose to form your own current or future family structures as an adult. Having surveyed all of this, you can now see how moving away from any of these family units, to then revisit those interactions with others who have been a product of them, will foster quite a few possibilities for the quality of your relationships with your siblings.
How do these variables affect your ability to get along with your adult brothers and sisters?
As part of the human development, your siblings have each made changes in their perspectives, their values, and their day-to day practices. It is the result of their individualized adult development, and the way they interact with you can hardly be as they did in childhood. Such would practically mean that they have not completely developed since childhood. In fact, persons who behave the same way they have in childhood, tend to be viewed as underdeveloped adults. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2917987/
So, what then is the best way to manage new relationships with my adult siblings?
It is healthier - much less stressful to expect a different and evolving interaction.
This is more, a sign of natural growth and development in adults than one of intentional discord.
Engage in introspection – making note of the evolved person that you are today, will help you to determine who you now are as an adult.
Practice prediction – observing and learning your own patterns, and your siblings’ patterns, will facilitate your ability to navigate uncomfortable conversations and confrontations with siblings
Engage in Self-Realization – Understanding and accepting your new development will enable you to command a level of interactions with others including your siblings.
Practice Self-Actualization – You are now able to acknowledge the adults in your life as the holistic persons that they are today. self-actualization will most importantly, empower you to express who you are as an adult and the way in which you wish others to interact with you.
**You can and deserve to have rewarding relationships with your siblings and any other significant persons in your life. For more in-depth discussion and assessments of positive ways to manage healthy relationships contact Coach Mandy S. via the
Contacts page for your FREE Discovery Call**
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