My dear retiree, as you’re caring for others – whether it is a parent, some other loved one, or still doing some half-retirement work with a patient/client - Your self-care practices become more crucial than you may realize during this season of your life.
And why this special message to ‘Retired Caregivers’ - Does it seem like I’ve intentionally targeted a very specific group of people? Well, yes, I have indeed...
The struggle for late Boomers (let’s say, born 1950 to 1963) and Gen X’ers has become very real for a number of reasons:
1. In particular, ‘Late’ Boomers and Generation X’ers are of the age in which our parents are needing a significant amount of assistance in some or all aspects of living. (But we’re also at a crucial age: the first years of retirement or pre-retirement…)
Some of these changes may be physical, functional, psychological, social, emotional, or medical. Many of our parents depend solely or in some ways on us to provide direct assistance or the management of their medical affairs. Another important factor for you to consider is that our parents may live longer lives than our grandparents did. This is a wonderful thing for longevity, if they have been blessed with relatively good health to go with those longer years. If your parent isn’t in good health, your task of retired caregiver won’t be one for the faint of heart!
2. The number of siblings or family members we have to share this mission of love with will be an important factor in determining how much more we will need to protect our mental, emotional, and physical health.
This is not to be taken for granted. If you’re reasoning that you’ve “always been the strong and reliable one” don’t be fooled by what you’ve always been. Doing so could have serious repercussions for you as you progress into this new role. For many of us this is a very assignment and feels very different from previous interactions with our loved one.
3. If you have become the sole caregiver to your loved one, you may or may not know where and how to adopt new and well-planned-out strategies for support. You will need the type of support that expands beyond what your family “can do” to help out.
The tools you’ve observed your parents use (basically themselves!), caring for your grandparents aren’t necessarily the best tools for you in 2023. This notion could very well save the quality of your retirement years. Loving, and caring for your loved one(s) should never mean that you now sacrifice the quality of your own life. If you’ve taken the time over the past few years to prepare for your golden years, and then neglect your needs as you’re approaching them, the shear frustration and resentment could shorten your years. It is somewhat unfortunate that I’ve had conversations with many late Boomers / GenXers who expressed dismay about their elders’ lack of proper preparation for their senior years. And that lack of preparation is defined in many ways. Regardless however, of how much your loved one has prepared, there are tools available to make up for these potential shortcomings.
So now, you’re likely getting a big picture of the main issues at hand. In fact, you may have already begun to formulate your thoughts and had a few reactions to these new realities. The question then is, what can you do to improve your current situation along with that of your loved one?
Any solution that you’re exploring should involve routines that will minimize extreme stress and anxiety about the responsibility you’re taking on. They should also aim to reduce stress and discomfort for your loved one. Try these three (strategies)
A. Ask compassionate questions: As you note certain changes in your loved one, such as growing weaker and less able to do certain things for themselves, you’ll want to begin asking the questions many may find difficult or unpleasant to address. As unpleasant as it may seem at first, it becomes easier as you gently broach the subject periodically. It isn’t necessary nor beneficial to overwhelm them with too many questions all at once.
B. You’ll eventually notice certain transitional behaviors, like asking you to repeat what you’re stating numerous times, or asking you to “speak louder” than indoor voice levels. When you feel like you don’t know how to tactfully address the behavior you’re faced with, jot down notes for yourself. At a later time or date, you may want to explore some of the behaviors and gently ask, for example: “How are you feeling [or] what are you feeling, when [said behavior] is happening, mom?” This is an especially helpful question if your loved on displays more agitated behaviors like screaming at you or attempting to physically attack you. Sensitive questions, preferably not when the behavior is being displayed- will make this type of discussion much more informative and productive, and mom will feel cared for as well. Ultimately, seek the assistance of professionals who can identify the meaning of certain behaviors and provide effective coping skills.
Remember that your loved one may be experiencing neurological and other medical conditions. They are equally frustrated with their newly awkward behaviors and exchanges. Many of these behaviors will become increasingly unable to manage over time. At times you’ll just have to reassure them that everything is going to be okay, even if you don’t really feel like it is! Eventually, with consistent effort these processes become easier to manage.
C. Begin now to share your current observations and findings with other family members. They also may have learned information from other resources that you can also compile and share. These discussions will also reveal which family members are ready to take on certain tasks alongside you and which members may need some coaxing to take on lighter and perhaps less routine tasks. Most importantly, collaborations among you will ease the strain for all involved including the aging member. So, whatever form these partnerships take, try to resist taking on more responsibility than you can or should on your own.
D. Research your options for caregivers’ support. Proceed with seeking more concrete professional assistance, such as in-home nursing and home health aides, who can provide some medical and some personal care in the home. As some illnesses progress it may be most beneficial and practical to your loved one to transfer to a long-term care facility in which they can receive twenty-four-hour care.
Listen retiree, the struggle becomes [increasingly] real, if you are indeed dealing with regret and resentment about this challenging responsibility. If indeed you’re dealing a mixture of resentment and regret, you may benefit from seeing a counselor or therapist who can help sort out your history and feelings about the manner in which your loved one has prepared [or not] for these senior years. For your own well-being take a moment today or as soon as possible to research these concepts:
1. Caregiving tools.
2. Selfcare tools.
3. Questions to ask your parents asap (about existing health insurance, their Last Will and Testament, burial insurance, and overall estate planning.
*Becoming a caregiver to someone you love, as I’m experiencing
and still am learning, can be a gut-wrenching experience or it can be a beautiful journey of bond strengthening, and building precious memories. I’m sure that we all want to experience lovely memory-making interactions with our precious family members, in the midst of it all. I want that for you as much as I want it for myself, family and loved ones. If you need a bit of guidance to get yourself where you need to be in the journey of caregiving, we need to talk. You won’t regret having someone who can relate to what you’re experiencing and is able to guide you through what you’ll likely need in the foreseeable future.
Coach Mandy S.
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