Have you noticed as you grow older and settled in your personality traits that you’re beginning to ‘look’ more like your parents every day? This isn’t just in the physical sense. I could not count the number of times someone has expressed having heard themselves saying the same thing their father would say over the years. Gregory reflects, (names changed for privacy) “I hated his exaggerated sermons back then, but now I understand better, why he did some of the things!” Does understanding their past behaviors mean that you now approve of them, or that you’d consciously choose them as a parenting method for your children? Based on these conversations, it’s not necessarily so.
As with my discussions about the relationships between mothers and daughters - after having incredible conversations with colleagues, family, and friends, and eye-opening sessions with male clients about the topic of father and son relationships, I believe I’ve compiled an invaluable cross-section of perspectives on the challenges of fatherhood, then, and now. (Fathers referenced range in age from 45 to 70 years old).
Relationships with our fathers, or the lack there of, can have many ramifications later in our lives. Unaddressed, the impacts of these relationships can be lasting and can wreak havoc on the lives of those who live with them.
The discussions shared here will focus on the impact of these relationships on men who now strive to be great fathers.
Five men have spoken passionately about their roles in the lives of their sons. The age range of their sons is wide, the youngest son mentioned being 16; the oldest referenced is 35, and it is interesting to find that several of their sons have now referenced parenting behavior that they didn’t care for, in these men. I pointed this dynamic out to a couple of them. In recognizing the repeated patterns, they expressed a desire to seek their own healing by finally broaching their concerns with their fathers, the root of their behaviors. Others pointed out that their fathers were no longer living, yet they felt it would be healing to correct harmful traditions by providing mindful parenting to their sons.
Three main concepts were offered for their reflection and evaluation. You’re now gaining the insights of these men as sons, and as fathers.
What moments with your dad impacted you, growing up?
What would you have changed if you could have?
What did you end up doing as a father thus far? This precisely refers to what you have accomplished to date, versus what you intended to do for your son(s).
Reflection #1 – What moments with your father impacted you growing up?
Tom - Growing up, my friend, Tom shares that he was unusual to his friends, because his parents were the oldest in his circle of friends. His father was an additional six years older than his mother. Tom recalls school friends asking him: “Is this your dad or your granddad? He didn’t like feeling singled out in this manner, and soon developed insecurities that interfered with his relationship with his parents. Tom stopped asking his parents to engage in parent-child activities, including those required by his school. The climate in his home, also seemed somber compared to that of his friends’ homes, where the moods generally felt livelier. To add to his unique situation, Tom had older brothers, who did acknowledge him, but seldom socialized with him. The second youngest was seven years older than Tom, the eldest was 10 years older. Tom remembers going to birthday party with his oldest brother instead of his father. When the parents got together to chat, Tom’s brother felt out of place. So did Tom. Both brothers seemed to have closer relationships with his parents than Tom did. His brothers had already resolved many of their parent-child differences; Tom had few opportunities to do so before his dad passed. Because of his experiences growing up, Tom promised himself that he would have his own children at a much younger age.
Cameron, a former client, once shared: “Until very recently, I would have denied this fact even to myself. After being in a crucial discussion group for military men who are fathers, I realized that I had picked up a bad habit of yelling at my sons and daughter when they interrupted my focus on anything. It bothers me when I lose control of my emotions and make mean or nasty comments to my middle son who happens to be the greatest ‘interrupter’. I know this behavior is not going to uplift them; it can actually scar them. I just find it amazing how knowing this, I continue to repeat the mistakes that were perpetrated on me, by my father! He used to often say: ‘Boy, don’t you see me trying to concentrate?’ or, ‘Boy! Don’t you see grown folks talking here? Apologize and go to your room!” Those situations stung each time they happened, and I seldom got to talk to my dad about how this made me feel, or even about what I wanted to share with him in the first place! My mother would try to talk to me, but it wasn’t the same. It hurt a lot!”
Learned undesirable behaviors from fathers can show up in the most unexpected ways. From the developing young adult to the sixty-year-old man evaluating his own parenting patterns, the consensus is that they may be more of a product of the parenting style their fathers displayed for them, than they realized. Living with this type of interaction was habit forming for Cameron. He asserts that he wasn’t proud of having repeated a cycle of poor parenting skills. Mimicking those parenting styles wasn’t intentional. The fact that these behaviors weren’t intentional, didn’t save his children from the same emotional scarring that Cameron experienced with from his dad’s behaviors.
Reflection # 2 – What would you have changed about your dad if you could have?
By the time Tom was a teenager he was disinterested in such father-son interactions with his father; he strove to just get along until he could move out on his own. Since Tom didn’t get to bond much with his aging dad, he is still working through many of his resentments, and now recognizes that he could have reached out to his dad more than he did to afford them both a more nurturing relationship. Tom’s dad always appeared tired and overworked which is the main reason that Tom didn’t mention his school activities. His father expressed his regrets to Tom years later, but not much was fixed as he progressed in age. Tom reflected, “I knew he wanted to do more with me, but I just didn’t see him making the effort, taking those steps..”. At the time, Tom didn’t recognize his parents’ high work ethic and sense of financial responsibility to him. Tom saw his father as disinterested, while his father focused on securing work hard to provide for him and his brothers. He states, “I just wished he had taken the time to explain these thigs to me”.
Cameron was convinced that his dad didn’t like him. He remembered always feeling like his father competed with him for his mother’s attention. Even as a pre-teen he suspected this jealousy and could not understand why his father perceived this level of power from his 13-year-old son. Cameron explained that his mother paid much attention to his emotional development. Cameron explains that he had stages in life where he needed more reassurance and less of what his father was delivering. Instead, his father never seemed to understand him. Growing older, Cameron tried to level the playing field by yelling back at his father whenever he dared speak to him that way, even as an adult. His dad’s affronts diminished over the years, but the apparent animosity didn’t. According to Cameron, his nervous reaction has been to transfer this bad habit unto his middle son with unfair affronts and name calling. Today he recognizes that he must manage his day-to-day frustrations without making his own son another scapegoat. Cameron is talking to his son more and has asked him to reach out to him whenever he feels that he’s treating him unfairly.
As well, Cameron has discussed these events with his aging father and requested that he attend a few therapy sessions with him. While his dad has not followed through on his promise to attend, Cameron updates that he’s hoping his father will make up his mind and accompany him to facilitate their healing. Accomplishing this step will be beneficial for Cameron’s son as well. In any case, Cameron recognizes that he must continue to receive counseling, for his continued healing and that of his children.
Reflection #3 – What moments with Dad impacted you growing up?
Dexter recognizes that he hasn’t been firm nor consistent enough with his son. He recognizes his soft-liberal parenting style as the result of being raised by parents who lived “the hippie, free life”. Dexter remembers growing up with a dad who didn’t let much bother him – not even the demands of parenting. In fact, his dad’s friends visited often. They listened to great music of the time, and Dexter would often ask his dad the meaning of certain politically charged songs and certain romantic songs too. “My dad preferred to talk to me rather than work at anything with me. I wanted to do certain things like have karate classes. Dad promised he would sign me up, but instead he would play-box with me at home, pretending to be Muhammad Ali and I was any other boxer I wanted to be – I typically chose to be Joe Frazier”.
As a parent, Dexter has felt the pandemic strains right along with other parents. Managing the tasks of going to school, and different ways of socializing, have been problematic and stressful. The makeshift efforts made throughout 2020 and 2021 simply haven’t measured up to pre-pandemic years. Day to day life experiences like giving his sons permission to attend a house party requires wise parental judgment, on a different level from two years ago.
“It has been stressful to constantly argue with my youngest son”, Dexter explains about his then 20-year-old son. “We initially argued a bit about him getting vaccinated. Doing it aligns more with our family’s beliefs, and I expect my son to behave as the family does. Then there was the constant having to explain to him that he cannot spend the night at a friend’s house during the height of the Pandemic, and return home, having been potentially exposed to the virus. Today, at 22 years old years old, he’s very much an adult and still unvaccinated. Dexter feels his much-too-easy approach to parenting is caused by having been raised by such liberal parents. “Thankfully, they’re both vaccinated” Derek expressed with a sigh. Derek’s father quoted to him, “Hey listen, you have to live and let live -that means you have to get that vaccine!” Derek is very appreciative for that perspective. It helps to empower him in his COVID safety discussions with his 22-year-old son.
Roberto stated in no uncertain terms: “My father was just full of ‘it’; he evaded his responsibility to me. Whenever he showed up from work, I never felt like I could freely talk with him about the events of my day. Now, he never said he didn’t want to hear about my day, I just felt like he was never really listening when he gave me the blank stare and promised to get back to me “on that”. I thought to myself, I’d never treat my kids this way, but unfortunately, we sometimes imitate what is modeled for us. My dad expected close-to-perfection from me. He just never took the time to model what that looked like”. Before Roberto realized it, he was doing similar things to his high-school age son”. Roberto explained, “It was as if my father subconsciously determined he got over his father’s neglect, and his son would survive his, too. And the cycle continued as I started to pick up similar ways in my parenting”
It is important to note in several of these anecdotes that a son, whether approvingly or not, will pick up many patterns and habits from his father’s behaviors. Roberto felt disdain for his dismissive dad. Dexter was intrigued by his liberal dad. Cameron felt rejected by his competitive dad. Tom felt he had very little in common with his older dad.
After asking these questions of men from varying ages and walks of life over the period of the past two years (and during a medical pandemic), I’ve found a mix bag of history, current events and interpersonal conditions that led to the adults they are today. They share compelling stories about fatherhood. Two crucial themes are the challenges they experienced around their fathers, as well as the quality of life they’re now striving to provide for their sons. There are meaningful lessons to be gleaned that these men will hopefully, ultimately pass on to their offspring and significant others.
As a colleague expressed to me some time ago, “Fatherhood is a delicate responsibility and a work in constant movement and progress, but the bumps and pitfalls are present and we must deal with them”. They are often relationships with an aging, not always responsive, nor apologetic dad. Their revelations and reflections have brought out potential pitfalls to be aware when entering the father- son relationship.
*Important note:
For additional informative references to cross generational factors affecting relationships between adults and their parents, see article “Has your Relationship with Mother helped or hurt your Adult Life?” in the “Wellness” and “Marvelous Midlife” blog categories.
If you’re finding that any of these scenarios resemble your life experiences and you would benefit from addressing your present condition, coach Mandy S. is equipped and ready to help through your discoveries and transformation!
Coach Mandy S.
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