When I think of past life events that I would have wanted to skip, I’m not really thinking of the numerous disappointments that I’ve experienced. I’m more so, referring to certain mistakes that will likely have some effects in my future. I can think of some that I perceived as grave mistakes at the time. Even so, we all basically understand that time will provide the measure of healing needed for ANY given situation. Studies indicate that one can follow steps to alleviate the negative effects of past mistakes and disappointments. See Cornerstone’s take, on the subject:
We can even shift the way that we view them later in life.
But let’s be honest - I will be the first to admit, the slogan “living with no regrets” is darn difficult to live up to! You may read this and think “What, are you kidding? It’s downright impossible!” Indeed, which one of us has had zero crises, disappointments, or other unfortunate blunders in our past? No one. Every human being has had them and will continue to have them.
So, since they will happen, what is the best way to handle them? Personally, I like to keep certain concepts in mind that help me to stay relatively grounded – if not right when the unfortunate thing is happening, at least after I’ve taken the time to revisit the situation in my head and place it where I can mold it into a useful experience moving forward:
1. Certain achievements were meant to be for you, and other accomplishments were meant to be for other people.
Don’t fall in the trap of “praying and believing” for someone else’s blessings onto you! The fact that a given accomplishment not only looks, but is so awesome in your friend’s life means it was a part of their destiny.
This can be a difficult lesson to process when you’re feeling like you deserve as many blessings as the next person. And you do! Your journey and outcome, however, are meant to be just as uniquely yours as your friend’s are to them!
There were times in my past life when I felt like good things were happening, just not the great things that I wanted. I had to undergo an important process – a ‘mindset shift’ to understand that the great things I wanted would have eventually hurt my future in a very real way. Those ‘shiny things’ were not aligned with the greatness that my Creator had reserved for my future life. An untrained heart feels this event as a loss. I now get exactly why the shiny thing had to go! Do you see it?
2. There are potentially harmful actions that you’ve dodged by ‘missing out’ on an event and its outcome.
Please allow me to share an example here: I’ve always valued education. My parents made it clear to me that it would be my ticket to meaningful achievements in life. I’ve always enjoyed learning, so having to meet this expectation didn’t feel threatening to me. In fact, being able to attend undergrad college felt like such a blessing.
As it turned out, college wasn’t an easy ride, full of parties and college sports. I had to work hard to pay my rent, and my other big-girl bills – Parental demands and all, life still landed me on my own at a fairly young age, so I had to focus on earning enough money to sustain my living while also focusing on my studies. I kept my eye on the prize for years in order to achieve the ultimate academic credentials that would support my consistent career goals and trajectory. My career was faring well. Those earlier struggles seemed to be paying off. Then, in midlife, life flipped - again. A couple of serious family events jolted my journey, and I had to shift the direction of my ultimate credential completion dreams. It was a sharp and painful pivot for me.
What do you think would have been the best next-step in my scenario:
a) Regret the sudden sharp shift in direction and stop there in the absence of my initial dream choice, or b) Explore the options available in the new academic and career direction?
The shift hurt like hell at the time, but I chose the latter.
Woooow!!! Good looking out, life!!!
Sometimes, you just have to trust her process!
3. After an unfortunate event has happened, allow the time that you need to recover from it. Then, learn ways to focus on ‘this moment’.
Recognize that past events can be a significant learning tool for today’s living. Since you can’t change what has already transpired, try instead to use that experience to enhance what you’re doing today – and I mean today in the most literal way. Don’t just give lip service to affirming your intentions. When you resolve that you’ll act today on lessons learned, and the healing, don’t go engaging in other feel-good activities that may be secondary in their benefit to our existence. Address this threatening regret first!!!
So here are a few things I’ve learned and can share with you:
1. I no longer try to make my life a linear and compulsory experience – I work daily on managing my reactions to the unexpected twists and turns of life, as they are presented to me.
Yes, I still hem and haw when unpleasant situations shock me, but I don’t waste much time vacationing there...
I’ve resolved the importance of thinking things through albeit, one bit at a time, until I’m finished reacting - I engage in some reflection, I sort out the way I want to proceed, I pick myself up and I keep moving and learning.
2. In my young adult years I dreamed of becoming a professional vocalist. I learned later that my medium was meant to be the shower. Just kidding - I’ve managed to join my share of rewarding choirs and even had the honor of being assigned a few fun solos. I embraced my level. My level has embraced me.
3. Some moons ago in undergraduate college, I also wanted to be a track and field sprinter, but my social work and psychology curricula kept me much too busy to take on additional commitments. But that disappointment didn’t stop me from jogging most of my life or running a few city races. That was my level then and I had that fun. Some additional years later, I slowed down a bit to accommodate my knees. I acknowledged my needs and switched to brisk walking with family and friends. Today, I love going on peaceful meditative walks and sharing its benefits with you! Life stages now dictate my levels. I also embrace my current life stages – and I enjoy it!
Finally, please don’t misunderstand the tone and message I’m conveying here – if I tried to imply that I could mechanically follow these new and improved steps for living, like “one, two three and done!”, you wouldn’t and should not believe it. Of course, it doesn’t happen that way.
The way in which you react and respond to a perceived regretful experience will depend on what type events truly affect you most, and how. Disappointments, crises, frustrations, and personal losses, all require unique shifts in your assessment of them. Take a moment to think about and process these for yourself. You should then get in touch with Coach Mandy S. to ensure that you’re hitting the mark in completing your regret busting process.
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